My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
When someone says you are so lazy
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction