@angeliav68: I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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@capricecrane: What they say: "Wow, you're really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
@ShesAllNat: Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box