I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
The glory of fall.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
you will never know the true number of layers
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️