I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough