I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]