I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I wanna be friends with this person
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.