I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When you let grandma cat sit
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?