@ilovepie84: I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure
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@skylerhanrath: Mike: Mom! We're out of burrito paper! Mom: Dammit Mike, they're tortillas. You're twenty six.
@_NinJar: [Dr.] "Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you'll die" *slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth* "Don't do it" *eats cheese* *dies*
@XplodingUnicorn: The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself. It was super cute. Then the pig threw up all over her. Considerably less cute.