prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The Compass
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced