My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.