Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*