It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?