Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
what
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.