Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
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Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
concern