Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.