@VerifiedDrunk: I put the 'fun' in functional alcoholic.
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@truegritrumble: (People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die) TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
@jazmasta: *strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"
@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
@skickwriter: Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco. -Kids