@VerifiedDrunk: I put the 'fun' in functional alcoholic.
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@AlanFelyk: “You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
@hipchkk: If the majority of twitter's trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
@dank_dino: *judge bangs gavel on desk* *judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning* *judge tell gavel he loves her* *judge marries gavel*