SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”