Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
called in thicc to work this morning
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.