– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
What if the weather talks about us?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.