if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
what?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.