I put the p in pants.
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I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?