I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
put ‘er there pardner!
This is hilarious….
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.