I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*ernest hemingway voice*
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.