I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.