I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
You Might Also Like
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier