I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?