I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.