I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
They grow up so quick
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.