@hunz74: I quit drinking and my beer belly is now a pot belly.
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@jackiembouvier: I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He's gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
@hbreaker9999: My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
@Vice_Queen: [Me flirting with a twenty something] Him: When last did you get lit? Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
@vinnycrack: Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away