[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My teenage children choosing violence
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
bought wrong eggs
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.