[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.