We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.