friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.