Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Just how popey was the pope today?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?