@eliserose5: I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.
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@XplodingUnicorn: In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation: 1) Going on vacation 2) Taking my family
@JennyJohnsonHi5: This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I'm the one who put him on a leash.
@iinkedZombie: The horn quit working in my truck, so I'm hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.