@RickAaron: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
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@TragicAllyHere: If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
@tinatbh: Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future? Me: Lunch Interviewer: No like long term. Me: Oh...Dinner.
@djdarrellripley: Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD. Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?