@RickAaron: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
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@AndrewChamings: genie: are you sure? me: just do it *my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
@Mike_Bianchi: Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
@Fred_Delicious: Police chief - "I've been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster" Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]