“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
LOOOOOOL
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
why would tinder want me to say this