Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Mountain Goat : )
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie