@DionneMcNutt: I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@thatUPSdude: [first date] Me: You into role playing? Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind? Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
@VirgoSherry: A co-worker just used the word "elderly" to describe someone my age and that's why I had to kill her.