I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Autocorrect completely socks
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…