Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
based al yankovic
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
How do you like your Corgi?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.