I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water