I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.