I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up