I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’m not proud