I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“What movie?” 🤔
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed