I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute