*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
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Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.