*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.