@jackiembouvier: I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn't recognize. Go on without me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@toriTBC: When a guy texts "your beautiful," reply with "my beautiful what?" then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
@lovemydogduck: Why periods? Why can't mother nature just tweet me and be like "Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month"
@trentistweeting: ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*