I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
You Might Also Like
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Big Sex has us all fooled
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there