I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
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Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.