I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
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Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
adam and eve had first world problems
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”