I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*